Time: the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.
Where does time go? The last blog post I wrote was about 8 months ago, luckily no one held their breath. Since then there’s been a few minor life changes. Jeanette giving birth is probably up there on the list. I also got a new strap on one of my watches so that’s pretty cool too. All jokes aside its been some of the funniest months since welcoming ‘not-so-little’ Billie-Mai into the world. People say you learn a lot about your partner when you first move in together, these people are liars. You learn the most about each other when your baby is butt naked shitting feaces 3 meters from across the room and your dodging out the way. Or when you you’ve just put on a fresh looking outfit to have spew (not your own) falling from your chin onto it in all its milky goodness. You just have to look at one another and smile. Both of our families have told us time and time again that ‘time’ goes quick. Almost as quickly as that poop or sick comes out. Blink and you’ll miss it.
Teething already, 5 months old – Is that normal?
If you’ve ever seen the viral video sensation that was ‘Charlie Bit my Finger’ then you’ll understand how it was when I found that BM had her first teeth starting to come through. She was giving my finger a friendly little nibble on the play matt when all of a sudden, she bloody bit me with her little fangs. It was a eureka moment. Jeanette came running in to me screaming that Billie bit me, not long passed till we had our hands in her mouth searching for these little nippers. Only a few days has passed since then and the chompers are already starting to show.
We have been blessed with a baby that has a hard time frowning and an even harder time sitting still. Yes, there has been some struggles that Jeanette and I have had along the way, but one look at our little girls eyes, one laugh from her sweet little mouth, makes us look forward to the next rest of our lives with BM.
Does my bum look big in this?
PAUSE. Woah. What. The. Fuck. This is a defining moment in any relationship. But you have to be quick. Any hesitation, no matter what you say, boy you dead.
In reality you have two choices; life or death. Its obvious that your partner will be getting plump due to the bun she’s baking, but you still want to reassure her that she is as beautiful as ever. For the first few months its best to play it safe and deny, deny, deny. But there’s only so much denying you can do before her response goes from being “aww thanks” to “why can’t you just be fucking honest”.
This is a catch-22 moment (google if necessary).
She can see herself that her clothes are busting at the seams and oversized shirts become crop-tops. So how do you get yourself out of this hell hole? I like to think of myself as a Chandler Bing when in stressful situations and try to make a poorly timed joke to nothing but the sounds of crickets. I took my shot and God blessed me with a miracle response…
“How can you be so beautiful, and so fat at the same time?”
Silence. And then wouldn’t you know it, she laughed. Holy sweet little baby Jesus, something saved my ass. Humour. That was the paddle I was thrown when I was up shit creek.
PLEASE NOTE: Do Not Try At Home.
Hormonally, she is riding one hell of a rollercoaster without a seatbelt so tread lightly with what jokes you want to crack, especially the timing. As time passes she will begin to be less worried about HER appearance and more about the miracle she’s making. To those men who have survived this line of questioning – fair play. To those that haven’t yet – Good luck!
BLOOD. GUTS. SCREAMS.
Is this the literary scene of a graphic Steven King novel? Think again. These are the words used to describe the events that unfold behind the greyish steel door of a delivery room. What on earth seems appealing about being a spectator to this madness. From Jeanette, I have always been given the idea that I’m mostly in the way. Why would I want to be the 6ft2” broad shouldered useless body blocking surgeons armed with clamps held by bloodied gloves?
My dad used to use the saying “in for a penny, in for a pound’ – if I’m going in on this pregnancy its going to be 100% of me. I vowed to not miss one doctor’s appointment, check up or jordmor (directly translated to Earthmother or more commonly known as midwife) meeting. Does the birth itself count? Unfortunately, it seems like it. I imagine myself dressed up like a neeky 7th grader in chemistry class. White lab coat, talc covered gloves and scratched-to-fuck science goggles to protect my eyes from the flying blood splatters and placenta. But it turns out, thanks to google, that it’s a lot more humane than that. The task asks for a lot of counting-out-loud and synchronised breathing techniques, as well as the vice gripped hand holding. I can do that. Crowning, I cannot. Sounds regal doesn’t it. But read the first three words again…
Crowning: kraʊn (of a baby’s head during labour) fully appear in the vaginal opening prior to emerging.
At this point in the labour, the doctor delivering the baby asks if the father would like to have a look…”Nah you’re alright mate, I’ll take your word for it” will be the swift reply. Once the blood-soaked nurse hands over our mucus-covered little girl the day will be just a horror movie scene memory.
I’m planning on completely winging what I do on the day, but all I know is I’ll be with her every step of the way.
How to stay alive long enough to see the birth of your child
In the animal kingdom there is a shitload of incredible and astounding paths of life that some creatures travel down, some not so different to those of humans. For instance, a cow has the same gestation period as us human beings. Interesting. Also, the female Chinese Mantis eats its mate just after coitus, which is also how it feels to be us men sometimes. Doesn’t sound like such a bad way to go compared to some of ‘those’ days that you will experience with having a pregnant girlfriend/wife. I’d really like to stick around to see the birth of my daughter, and for that to happen and not get mauled to death, I have listed a few pointers which I am willing to share to save those in need.
Marco’s Survival Tips:
Tip 1: stock the God damn fridge
If your better half is feeling peckish and you don’t have anything for her to eat, your head is sure gonna start looking tasty to her. Whatever her craving may be, there is nothing wrong with buying 5 boxes of cheese dippers. Last week when I was queuing up at the supermarket with my basket full of these incredibly delectable goods, a middle aged man noticed my stash and gave me the ‘nod’. He knew exactly what I was going through.
Tip 2: beauty is the key
For us men, pregnancy isn’t that much of a strain on our bodies. We may feel like we are eating for two also, but that’s just us being greedy bastards. For the female in question, her body is changing DRASTICALLY. Self-confidence is at an all-time low and her clothes begin to shorten and fit just that tiny bit tighter. Three words my good men; You look beautiful. This doesn’t seem like a lot to us, but to them it can turn their whole day around.
Tip 3: Yes man
Pregnancy doesn’t only change the woman physically, but it tends to dissolve some of their brains and fuse also. With this being said, your wife may have the tendency to forget a few trivial/vital things during this course, and its all your fault. It is your duty to agree to do almost anything and everything that is presented to you and to also take the lead with as many things as you can. Lighten her load, because she’s carrying yours.
If there are any guys out there who also want to share some life saving tips leave a comment. We are in this together.